Mom,
i really miss u alot mom. there's no one here to advice/show
me love. whenever i see girls gg out with their moms, having
a great time, i cry to myself. every single night. i really love u
alot n appreciate all the things dat u've done for me. oh wad
i won't do to hear ur voice n feel ur touch here? i dun even
know if i'm gg on e right/wrong track in life. everytime i want
to do smth,i always wish i could turn to u for advice. but i can't.
who am i to u god?
...nice girl with 'heck' attitude?
...her sisters' love n
...her mom's reassuring smile?
is it dat simple to u?
is it supposed to be a complicated top secret for me?
if so...u've succeeded
coz'
i feel confused
over who i am versus who i can be
i'm so much filled with conflicting ideals
...e gd versus e bad,
always doing battle
...conscience versus matter
a questioning mind,
an unsure heart...
how can u still love me god?
when so often i turn away frm u,
always skating in e fast-line,
chasing e gd life away...
even when i know
it's a never-ending headache a cycle chaos
n easy lies.
i say i know u.
i say i love u n dat i follow ur teachings,
den i face sum probz & i forget abt u,
i compromise my values,
i jeopardize my morals,
i denigrate myself
i fall.i cry. i return to u.
but den i meet another, n e pattern returns:
i trust. i believe.
i give. i am deceived.
i fall. i cry. i return to u.
do u eva tire of my antics, god?
or wince at my coming to u with excuses & tears...
distrust my coming when only in need?
u muz love me,
i deserve less; instead u offer more.
to live n breathe n wake each day,
is nth less den ur grace in awkward glorious moment....
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
+Dearest Mommy+
